Subject: Barbie
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging
gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion
frames in six wild colors, half-frames too. Neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. With hand
held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her
whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with
tummy support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her
sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for
Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-Life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to
Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore!
Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's
across town with Babs and Ken, Jr. in a fourth floor walkup. Barbie's
selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete
garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps!
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little
copy of The Big Book and six pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of
Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.
Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the
book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self." |
