Snagged from the Onion:
Here are some helpful tips to reduce the risk of poisoning and know what to do in case it occurs:
Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word
"DANGER." If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
For lower-body snakebites, immediately suck the poison out through the victim's penis. Spit out the deadly,
milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn to live in filth.
If bleach is swallowed, induce vomiting immediately with nude Judge Judy Internet pics.
Set aside a special blue set of coffee mugs as your "poison-only" drinkware.
If an ingested poison is flammable, spit out over open flame for awesome fireball effect.
Tell your children in no uncertain terms that poison is magical potion only for adults.
If dueling an arch-rival with poison-tipped swords, have a dying soliloquy prepared in advance, just in case.
If bitten by a poisonous animal, such as a scorpion, wasp, or water moccasin, gradually evolve a natural resistance.
If an acid is accidentally swallowed, neutralize with bass-heavy solution like Dr. Dre 2001.
Many substances, once fatal if ingested, now have effective antidotes. Treat yourself to a refreshing, ice-cold glass of methyl ethyl ketone today.
If you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of Pikachu drinking the bleach.
To avoid a potentially fatal case of arsenic poisoning, do not accept invitations from lonely old ladies to take tea in their parlors.
Avoid Snake Island at all costs. |
