AN ACCIDENT AT THE BREWERY:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course, you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness Brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?!"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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A guy is walking along the Strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "500 dollars? For a hand job?? Holy Moley! No hand job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that ... do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand job that's worth 500."
The guy says, "What the hell. Ya only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is totally amazed. He says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000?"
The hooker looks him in the eye and purrs, "$1500."
"$1500!? My God! No blow job could be worth that! A politician wouldn't pay that much for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big fella. Do you see that casino across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decides to put off a new car for another year. He lays back, puts his hands behind his head, and says, "OK, let's go." Ten minutes later he's sitting on the bed ... his head spinning. He can scarcely believe the sensation he just had. He decides that he truly got his money's worth. He decides to go all the way and dip into his retirement savings for one more glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. I want to show you something. Do you see the whole city of Las Vegas... laid out before us... all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
The guy says in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"
The hooker replies, "No, but I would if I had a pussy." |
