Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees:
Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Sissy, Billy Joe Bob, Sue lynn, Bubba, etc.) We have been known to kick a man's ass for less.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. If you don't say it right it can lead to an ass kicking.
Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or we'll kick your ass. All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.
Don't refer to us Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Grisham, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a hell of a lot nicer. We also have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Gore, Duke). And anyway, dumb or not, we will kick your Yankee ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
Eat your biscuits like God intended at the Waffle House,and don't order wheat toast with them or put sugar on them, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't try to fake a southern accent. You will get your ass kicked for impersonatin' a redneck.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.
We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass. |
