Dear Friends and Relatives
There will be no Christmas Party this year, for reasons indicated in the
following memos.
Frank
Subject: Christmas Party
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that
work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugarshock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad
bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have
feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay. |
