I'm willing to bet Gore was the very 1st person to use the phrase.....
.......the check is in the mail............
++++++++++++
A man and a gorilla walked into the pro shop of the Riviera Country
Club. The man flashes some large bills and says, "Is anyone
interested in a little wager? I've got $500.00 here that says my
gorilla can play a better game than all of you. He can hit the ball
longer and straighter than anybody at this club. He hits it 500
yards, right down the middle, every time!"
Everyone in the pro shop started laughing. After a moment the pro
says, "I gotta see this. You know, what? I'll take you up on that
wager! Meet you on the first tee."
When they reached the 585 yard par 5 first tee the trainer led the
gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in
the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear
out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the
green, six inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. "That's incredible! How did you train him
to hit the ball like that?! There's no need for me to tee off. I
couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money."
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned
back to the trainer and said "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"
The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards, right down
the middle, every time!"
++++++++++++
+++
Steaking Out The Joint
Benny had told all of his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in
the Delancey Street restaurant the day before.
So they decided to go down there and see if they were really as large and
delicious as Benny claimed.
However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest
steaks they'd ever seen.
"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday
and you served me a big juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a
party, you serve such small ones?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the
window."
++++++++++++
Gift Giver
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present
for his girlfriend.
"Shall I engrave her name on it?", asked the jeweler.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No, just engrave - To
My One And Only Love - that way, if we break up before I give it to her, I
can still use it."
+++++++++++++++
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later,
she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn't working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car
is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you
want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked
at the radio and said, "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or
Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of
"On The Road Again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted
Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole,
she got it.
Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out.
Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports
utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a
collision. "INCOMPETENT WORTHLESS JERK!.....", she muttered.
And, from the radio..... "Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States...
+++++++++++
After he bought a diamond ring, he ended up stone broke.
(Jumble)
When his self-portrait was exhibited, he was beside himself.
(Jumble)
The author offered the lawyer a book case.
(Jumble)
Sign outside a singles bar: Recycle your used husbands here.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
What did the horse play in the movies? A bit part.
(James D. Ertner)
I used to suffer from Alzheimer's Disease, but I forgot about it.
(Stan Kegel)
I know a guy who says he's going to be an atheist all his life, God
willing.
(Syman Hirsch)
That restaurant critic is nothing but an ambiance chaser.
(Win Ben Stein's Money)
Sign at aquarium: The octopus evades predators with speedy flight under
cover of a murky discharge.
Ernest: "An ink jet sprinter!"
(Bob Thaves)
When he handed her a note written on tissue paper, the teacher said it
was a flimsy excuse. (Arnold Pancratz)
Q: What kind of tree grows when you are sick?
A: A sycamore.
(Juliana, age 6)
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: You drop him a line.
(Terry Galan)
Q: Why does it always take a woman to find things?
A: Male pattern blindness
(Mike Peters)
"No one was in danger from the eruption; the sparsely populated region
is uninhabited."
(Article about a volcano in Ireland printed in the Portland Oregonian)
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
countries. It's a whole different way of thinking.
(Jeff Nickerson)
My high school was so tough that everyone thought an outline was what
you draw around a dead body. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
"I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin
underwear, fighting over a belt? ... The one who wins gets a purse.
They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love."
(John McGovern)
Methodists: Religious domination that trains actors
(Dave Coble)
Hypotenuse: A tall coffee pot perking.
(Pierre Abbat)
"I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.
(Richard Lederer)
"Flick the circuit breaker to see if the power comes back on," the
electrician said profusely.
(PUNAmerican Newsletter)
"And this is a toilet seat," Tom went on.
+++++++++++
Top 15 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines:
15. "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
14. "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational
field of your breasts!!"
13. "Nice Asimov."
12. "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
11. "W-w-w-w-w-wo-would y-y-y-y-you g-g-g-g-go o-o-out w-w-w-w...
ah, screw it."
10. "Is that Shai-Hulud, the life-giving spice-producing god-worm
in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
9. "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
8. "Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my
mom's place and watch 'Dr. Who'?"
7. "How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like
these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!"
6. "I'm the droid you're looking for."
5. "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm
just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled
off one of my Vulcan ears."
4. "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
3. "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull
breach is imminent.'"
2. "I sense something ... a presence I've not felt since I saw
you bend over the registration table."
... and the Number One Science Fiction Geek Pickup Line:
1. "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me
m*sturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
-----
ONCE UPON A TIME, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen
who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains
of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant
this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so
she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so
she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me
bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the
goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors
to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share.
But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around
and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen,
"You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red
hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system
so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.
But under our modern government regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and
idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled
and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her, for she never again
baked any more bread.
++++++++++++++ |
