This one just in...
BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God
invoked the "one nation, under
God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to
overrule last night's Supreme
Court decision that handed the White House to
George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets
off," God said this morning on
a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as
hell not going to lie back
and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that
the exact vote count in
Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God
and I DO know exactly who
voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore
won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's
unexpected verdict
overrules the official Electoral College tally
and awards Florida to Al
Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush
campaign is analyzing God's
Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued
Bush campaign strategist
Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a
U.S. Presidential Election
is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the
constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's
got some surprises ahead of
him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know
what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for
every Florida precinct,
explained that bad balloting machinery and
voter confusion were no grounds
to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County
voted for Buchanan. Get real!
The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe
me? I'll name them:
Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur,
James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was
displeased with George W. Bush's
prideful ways and announced that he would
officially smite him today. In
an act of wrath unlike any reported since the
Book of Job, God has taken
all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him
of his wealth and
possessions, sold his family into slavery,
forced the former presidential
candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and
afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy. |
