DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
> > >
> > > December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
> > > the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
> > > the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
> > > looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds
> > > again. I love snow!
> > > December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
> > > snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
> > > Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here
> > > was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
> > > and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
> > > This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the
> > > sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a
> > > perfect life.
> > > December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
> > > disappointment.My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
> > > have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
> > > Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never
> > > want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
> > > nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> > > December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
> > > temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The
> > > wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and
> > > sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
> > > buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite
this
> > > much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I
> > > wouldn't huff and puff so.
> > > December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
> > > Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
> > > Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity
> >
> > > goes out.
> > > I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
> > > December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the
> > > ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife
laughed
> > > for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
> > > December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
> > > go anywhere.Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets
> > > on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
> > > irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
> > > it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
> > > freezing to death in my own living room.
> > > December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of
> > > the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow
> > > came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
> > > they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
> > > only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
> > > they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
> > > lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill
> > > me. I think he's lying.
> > > December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
> > > more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold , it
> > > probably
> > > won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
> > > go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
> > > pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob
> > > who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says
> > > he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
> > > December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
> > > The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
> > > What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
> > > She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
> > > December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
> > > shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son
> > > of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by
> > > his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish
> >
> > > shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
> > > throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me
> > > to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was
> > > busy watching for the damn snowplow.
> > > December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !@#$%#%
> > > slop tonight.Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
> > > God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
> > > donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I
> > > have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's
> > > a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
> > > December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move
> > > here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
> > > December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
> > > December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE
> > > BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
> > > December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
> > > roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
> > > dumb does he think I am?
> > > December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me
> > > for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home
> > > to her mother . 9" predicted.
> > > December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
> > > January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white
> > > pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? |
