Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are
being implemented
in our "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never
produced
the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions
are, therefore, eliminated...doves are out;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves
the French things;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail
system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine
who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals,
as
well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in
order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
per day
was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be
let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure
management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good
one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Shrimp ponds are on order.
The current
swans will be donated to county jails;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward
mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the
expense
of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
Leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we
Expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a
simple case of an out of date band getting too big. A substitution
with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will
produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people,
fowl, animals
and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship by UPS in one
day, service
levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Bar Association seeking
expansion to include
the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is
pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive.
Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize our Snow
White Division
to see if seven dwarfs ..sleeping, sneezing, grumping, etc. are in
line with our overall projections.
Your Management |
