> After all is said and done,
> usually more is said than done.
>
> "No one ever says "It's only a game,"
> when their team is winning."
>
> I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
> "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
>
> "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
> I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
>
> "How come we choose from just two people
> for president and 50 for Miss America?"
>
> Ever notice that people who spend money on
> beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always
> complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
>
> On my first day of school my parents dropped
> me off at the wrong nursery.
> There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
>
> Marriage changes passion...
> suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
>
> Why is it that most nudists are people
> you don't want to see naked?
>
> I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...
> now I've got hair like Don King.
>
> I earn a seven-figure salary.
> Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
>
> The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
> Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
> thirty percent of the people in this world.
>
> I just got back from a pleasure trip --
> I drove my wife to the airport!
>
> Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years
> ...then we met.
>
> Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
> Mom's wise words:
> "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
>
> The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
> school was my blood alcohol content.
>
> Home is where you can say anything you
> like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
>
> I live in my own little world, but it's ok,
> they know me here.
>
> "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
> 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
>
> "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
> the same effect just by standing up really fast."
>
> Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>
> Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they
> call the airport the 'terminal'?
>
> I see your IQ test results were negative.
>
> Regular naps prevent old age.....
> especially if you take them while driving.
>
> Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
> had it, chances are you won't either.
>
> I don't approve of political jokes...
> I've seen too many of them get elected.
>
> How much can I get away with
> and still go to heaven?
>
> I think your problem is low self-esteem.
> It is very common among losers."
>
> If women can have PMS,
> then men can have ESPN.
>
> The most precious thing we have is---life.
> Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
>
> I have learned there is little difference in wives,
> you might as well keep the first.
>
> If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
> if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
>
> Travel is very educational. I can now say
> "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
> |
