Subject: Andy Rooneyisms
>
>On Ads In Bills:
>
> Have you ever noticed that they put
> advertisements in with your bills now?
> Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
> to stuff junk mail in there with them.
> I get back at them. I put garbage in with
> my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
> banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
> away for me? Thank You."
>
> On Fabric Softener:
>
> My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
> what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
> coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
> That's how they mark their territory. You
> can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
> April fresh scent out of your clothes.
>
> On Cripes:
>
> My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice
> people there. Very wholesome. They use
> words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who
> would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of
> 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
> I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
> burn in 'Heck'?
>
> On Morning Differences:
>
> Men and women are different in the morning.
> The men wake up aroused in the morning. We
> can't help it. We just wake up and we want
> you.
> And the women are thinking, 'How can he want
> me the way I look in the morning?'
> It's because we can't see you. We have no
> blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
>
>
> On Pregnancy:
>
> It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
> kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking.
> Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
> reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask
> someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that
> when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your
> hand...It won't be long now....
>
> On Grandma:
>
> My grandmother has a bumper sticker on
> her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
> You don't want to think of your grandmother
> that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl
> contests.
> Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
> she gave you for your birthday.
>
> On Prisons:
>
> Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
> dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
> for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a
> few prisoners into my house.
> I live in Los Angeles.
> I already have bars on the windows.
> I don't think we should give free room and
> board to criminals. I think they should have to
> run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
> generate electricity. And if they don't want to
> run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked
> up to the generator.
>
> On Award Shows:
>
> Can you believe how many award shows they
> have now? They have awards for commercials.
> The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of
> commercials.
> I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through
> the whole thing.
>
>
> On Phone-In-Polls:
>
> You know those shows where people call in and
> vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
> there's always like 18% that say "I don't know.
> It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...
> They're voting "I don't know."
> "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give
> me the phone!
> (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"
> (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have
> to stand up for what you believe you're not
> sure about."
> This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
> $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
>
>
> On Answering Machine:
>
> Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
> messages on someone's answering machine
> "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
> right now.
> I hope you are too. The thought for the day
> is 'Share the love.' Beep."
> "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
> Speaking of being positive, your
> test is back. Stop sharing the love
> |
