Ramblings of George Carlin
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Imponderables:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your
two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their
final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning?
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
GZ |
