Why do Republicans wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.
What's the difference between God and a Republican?
God knows He's not a Republican.
Why are Republicans hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had such little use.
What do you call 20 republicans in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.
How do you make a republican laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell him a joke on Friday night !
What do UFO's and smart republicans have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but you never see any.
How is a Republican different from a sewer rat?
Some people actually like sewer rats.
What's the difference between a Republican and a pirhana?
A suit.
Since they want to go back to the good old days when contraceptives were banned, what do Republicans use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What is foreplay for a republican?
Thirty minutes of begging.
Why is a Republican like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Why are most Republican jokes so short?
So Republicans can understand them.
What do you call 15 republicans in a circle?
A dope ring.
What is the republican doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
What did the republican say when he looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Why do we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world?
So much of it passed through Republicans.
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man and a leading Republican. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The Republican mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the Republican cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"
A man found an old bottle, rubbed it, and a genie came out that offered him one wish. He said that he was terrified of flying as well as boats but always wanted to go to Hawaii, so he asked for a road to Hawaii. The genii said that it was impossible because of the ocean depth and the length, and asked for an alternate wish. So the guy said he'd like all Republicans to become honest and kind. The genie considered for a minute and said, "So, would two lanes be enough or do you want four?"
A Republican and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the republican his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the Republican and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a Republican and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of
Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first Republican ever to make it up here." |
