Oh yeah, I almost forgot my "fetish";
Taking A Dump
I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all
have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need
more fiber.....
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of
beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less
masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving
champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel
that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't
matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an
odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring
and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes
your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder
staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone
would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You
then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer
kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could
always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your
sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column
of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You
sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat
violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things
you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to he ll you've got some Vaseline to
help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you
emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy
in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a
M16....da mn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So,
you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to
emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush
the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite
opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one da mn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with
both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bas tard just hands there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had
some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush
at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet
paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls,
whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the
auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain
call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you
dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it
will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. |
