> > , > Subject: Personal training
> > > > If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
> > > something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every
> > > woman who ever attempted to get into regular workout
> > > routine. A must read!
> > > > Dear Diary...
> > > > For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the
> > > dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
> > > local health club for me. Although I am still in
> > > great shape since playing on my high school softball
> > > team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> > > and give it a try. I called the club and made my
> > > reservations with a personal trainer I'll call
> > > Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old
> > > aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
> > > and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
> > > enthusiasm to get started.
> > > > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
> > > progress.
> > > > Monday:
> > > > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,
> > > but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
> > > health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is
> > > something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing
> > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce
> > > gave me a tour and showed
> > > me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes
> > > on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was
> > > so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him
> > > in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
> > > watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
> > > aerobics class after my workout today. Very
> > > inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my
> > > sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from
> > > holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
> > > going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> > > > Tuesday:
> > > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
> > > out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push
> > > a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights
> > > on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's
> > > rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
> > > GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > > > Wednesday:
> > > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
> > > the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
> > > back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
> > > both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
> > > try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
> > > the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me,
> > > insisting that my screams bothered other club
> > > members. His voice is a little too perky for early
> > > in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this
> > > nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce
> > > put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
> > > anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
> > > rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it
> > > would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said
> > > some other shit too.
> > > Thursday:
> > > > Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
> > > exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in
> > > a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
> > > late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> > > Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he
> > > was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He
> > > sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
> > > the rowing machine - which I sank.
> > > > Friday:
> > > > I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being
> > > has ever hated any other human being in the history
> > > of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
> > > cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
> > > could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him
> > > with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I
> > > don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
> > > in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or
> > > anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I
> > > am sure you learned in the sadist school you
> > > attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The
> > > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
> > > nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
> > > softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
> > > > Saturday:
> > > > Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
> > > grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
> > > up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the
> > > machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
> > > catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&&&& Weather
> > > Channel.
> > > > Sunday:
> > > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> > > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> > > over. I will also pray that next year my husband
> > > (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun
> > > - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. |
