Illinois Tourism:
1) Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's --
it's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let
them cook something they know. If you upset the cooks
in the kitchen they will kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns
(Sandwich, St.Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo,
Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have
to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is
called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you. We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are
from Illinois and we can kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a
living here. Naturally we have small lapses in
judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough
to let someone move to our state just to run for the
senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick her
ass.
6) Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log
home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000
post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago don't point
and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the
winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and
get the hell out of here or we will kick your ass.
8) Don't order the fruit plate for desert. Order a
steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have
cheesecake or we will kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have
an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you
will be too after you get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk to us about how much better things are
where you came from because we know better. Many of us
have visited big city hell-holes like Detroit,
Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and
we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your ass on
home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that
there are not enough trees. If you whine about our
scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back
to San Francisco.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when
spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to
get there now. We mind our own business because that's
what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself
around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or
they will kick some manners in your sorry ass just
like they did ours.
13) So you think we are quaint or losers because some
of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough
sense to not live in filthy, crime infested cesspools
like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractors
and we will kick your ass.
14) Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not
funny. Doing it will get your ass kicked.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and
tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get
your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention
this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the
bottom of the Chicago River.
Now enjoy your visit, spend your money, and then go home!!! |
