Old Dogs & Children & Watermelon Wine
by
Tom T. Hall
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:
I. started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm
here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...
Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your
memory back
> 1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
> was God and I didn't! > >
> 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. >
> > > 3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
> > 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
> > > 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
> > 6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
> > > 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
> 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
> 9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
>> 10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
> > 11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
> > 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> > 15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
> > 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> > 17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
>> 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
> > 19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
> > 20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> > 24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
> > 26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
> > 27) Procrastinate Now
> > 28) Rehab Is for Quitters
> > 29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
> > 32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing
> Since15
> > 33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
> > 34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
> > 35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
> > 37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
> > 38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
> > 40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
> > 41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
> > 43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
> > 44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
> > 45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
> > 46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the
> memory.
> > 47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
> > 48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
> > 49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
> for a pig.
> > 50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
> > 51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
> > 53) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson
> God Bless AMERICA
> A bit risqué
> ----- The Nuns Story
>
> > > >> > There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister
> > > >> > Mathematical (SM)and the other one is known as Sister Logical
(SL).
> > >It
> > > >> > is
> > > >> > getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
> > > >> > for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he
> > wants.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
> > > >> > SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
> > > >> > minutes at the most. What can we do?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk
> > > >> > faster.
> > > >> > SM: It's not working.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
> > > >> > logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach
> > > >> > us in one minute.
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You
> > > >> > go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So
the
> > >man
> > > >> > decided
> > > >> > to follow Sister Logical.
> > > >> > Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
> > > >> > worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical
> > > >> > arrives.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me
> > > >> > what happened!
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
> > > >> > both, so he followed me.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
> > > >> > as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: And?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress
> > > >> > up.
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his
> > > >> > pants.
> > > >> > SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
> > > >> >
> > > >> > SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
> > > >> > can run faster than a man with his pants down........
> > > >> > (and those of you who thought it would be dirty, say
> > > >> > 3 Hail Mary's and get back to work!!)
> > > >> >
> > > >> >
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
> > > >> > A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
> > > >> > The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a
time.
> > > >> > |
