More Steven Wright Thoughts;
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an
only child...eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
them again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in
France who said "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer &
farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be
80 degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
there.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and.......oohh, that's much
better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
some of it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. |
