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Leno
Did you all have a nice Thanksgiving? Or as the Fox Network calls it, "When relatives attack!”
I hate when you have to add that lead to the dinning room table. Not because people are coming, but because you’re getting fatter at the table.
Today, they have the Butterball people on the hotline telling you how to prepare turkey leftovers. Is that really necessary? If you don’t know how to make leftovers, what are the chances you even knew how to make a turkey?
Here’s a quick tip to let you know if you’ve eaten too many leftovers. This is a good way to tell. If you’re trying to replace your refrigerator light twice since yesterday.
Wednesday was the biggest travel day of the year. 40 million people traveling and that was just coming across from Mexico.
The Lakers did some charity work: gave away two more games.
Today’s the first day of Hanukkah. If you don’t know, Hanukkah is the holiday which celebrates the miracle of one day’s worth of oil lasting eight days. As opposed to an SUV where eight days’ worth of oil lasts maybe one day.
"Consumer Reports” came out with their list of the most dangerous toys today. Right near the top of the list – the Hampton Karaoke Machine. After about ten minutes of using it, the other people in the room pick it up and smash you over the head with it.
This week, President Bush reminded us that the Saudis are our partners. Partners in fighting terrorism. (sarcastic tone) They’re our silent partners. (wink and smirk)
Yesterday on Thanksgiving Day, workers hooked up plumbing on the International Space Station. How much did that cost? Plumbers working on Thanksgiving? No wonder our taxes are so damn high. "Oh I could go up there, but it’s golden time. It’s going to be $30 bucks an hour!”
Have you heard about this new "miracle diet”? The Disney Diet? Where you go on a cruise ship, get a stomach virus and lose pounds?
How many of you watched the "Purina National Dog Show” on NBC yesterday? I remember the good old days when NBC had real sports.
Letterman
Welcome to the show! It’s the night after Thanksgiving and I must apologize, all of these jokes are leftovers.
I tell you besides being sick of eating too much, this is the busiest shopping day of the year. I was down at Macy’s and it was crowded, I got pushed, shoved, I was groped – hell I’m going back tomorrow!
It’s a great time, Thanksgiving is. Mom was up and she’s 81, but can still cook like a bandit. The turkey this year was delicious! I asked mom, what’s your secret mom? She said, "Yes, David.” And you know that tryptophan that is in turkey, the stuff that makes you sleepy. Well get this, mom’s secret is that on the underside of the turkey – when she cooks it, she attaches one of those nicotine patches.
There was one awkward moment when Uncle Earl got up and made one of those Mike Piazza type announcements.
Uncle Earl is getting a bit old and starting to lose it – after diner he asked, "When do we get to open gifts?”
The Clinton’s celebrated Thanksgiving. They live just a ways up here in Chappaqua. And I tell you how times have changed – the only thing under Bill’s table this Thanksgiving – was the dog. |
