I think Santa Claus is a woman....
>
> I hate to be the one to defy myth, but I believe he's a she.
>
> Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
> social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
> it all off!
>
> For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
> gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
> of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with
> amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
> spree.
>
> Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
> products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
> might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
> husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
> hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
> is a woman.
>
> Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
> Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
> still in the bag.
>
> Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
> there would be no reindeer because they would all be strapped on to the
> rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck
> season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
> the taxidermist.
>
> Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
> problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
> clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
>
> Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
> chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint
> bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
> fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is
> crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
>
> Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
> ~ Men can't pack a bag.
> ~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
> ~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with
> all those elves.
> ~ Men don't answer their mail.
> ~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
> as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
> ~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
> ~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
>
> I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.
> Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
> guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
> who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
> testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick.
>
> Not a chance. |
