Monday Night April 14
Leno
This is like holy week, isn’t it? We had Palm Sunday, it’s also Passover, this week is also Easter. You know, between the rescue of our POWs and the Tigers winning a game – this is truly the week of miracles.
I had a pretty good day today. I bought four chairs and a table on eBay from some guy in Baghdad – 12 bucks. Beautiful dinette set, fabulous!
Today pPresident Bush announced that all this time he’s been misprouncing the word "Iraq." He said it’s actually pronounced "Syria."
The leaders of Russia, France and Germany – or, as I call them, the "axis of envy” – gathered for a summit on what their part in the rebuilding of Iraq should be. You know something? I think France should participate in rebuilding Iraq. When it comes to having experience about what to do after losing a war, nobody does it better than the French.
The Canadian prime minister has ordered the Canadian navy not to capture any of Saddam’s henchmen if they try to flee Iraq by sea. The Pentagon is stunned by this. They had no idea Canada had a navy.
Today President Bush said that Slovakia has already offered its help in demining Iraq. Listen to this: Exxon and Mobil have offered their help in de-oiling Iraq.
CNN reports that when they broke into Uday Hussein’s palace they found pornography, Cuban cigars and pictures of President Bush’s twin daughters. I’m sorry – that was Bill Clinton’s apartment.
Our commanders in the Gulf are warning that Iraq is still a very, very dangerous place. Not as dangerous as riding shotgun with Snoop Dogg, but still pretty dangerous.
A number of people at the White House are concerned that Michael Moore – remember, he said all the stuff at the Academy Awards – they’re worried Michael Moore might be invited to the annual White House correspondents dinner at which President Bush will speak. They’re not worried Moore will try and disrupt the evening. They just don’t want to get stuck behind him in the buffet line.
Officials at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York, have canceled a celebration of the 15th anniversary of the baseball movie "Bull Durham" because Susan Sarandon has these anti-war, anti-Bush views. Even worse news for Pete Rose. Turns out he bet on Iraq.
I guess the head of the Hall of Fame is an old Reagan guy, I think he was the press secretary, and Tim Robbins sent a letter. Robbins said he "did not realize baseball was a Republican sport." Do you think baseball is a Republican or Democratic sport? It’s got lots of multi-millionaires so it could be Republican; then you've got switch hitters who grab themselves, so it could be Democratic.
Congratulations to golfer Mike Weir, who won the Masters golf tournament on Sunday! First Canadian to ever win the event. In fact, when he won, the members of Augusta National said, "Canadians – when did we start letting them in here?"
7-Eleven announced they are now coming out with their own brand of beer. 7-Eleven beer. How ugly are the girls in that catfight commercial? Fighting behind the dumpster.
I think the beer is made from fermented Slurpees.
7-Eleven is also coming out with its own brand of wine. What better way to impress that special girl on a date: "Larry, is that 7-eleven wine?" Vintage is Thursday.
Our old buddy Bob Costas is on the show tonight. Or, as we like to call him at NBC, "America’s most talented kid.” |
