Jim, remember when we used to talk about the productivity gains of US workers?
I figured out how business has been squeezing out those gains>
Updated Employee Handbook
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a 600 Gucci bag we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get
a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Management |
