Steven Wright's view of the world.. a few excerpts
> >
> > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
> >
> > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
> >
> > Half the people you know are below average.
> >
> > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
> >
> > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
> >
> > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
> >
> > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
> >
> > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
> >
> > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
> >
> > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
> > gets the cheese.
> >
> > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
> >
> > OK, so what's the speed of dark?
> >
> > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
> >
> > If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
> > overlooked something.
> >
> > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
> >
> > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
> >
> > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
> >
> > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
> >
> > I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
> >
> > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
> >
> > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
> >
> > What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
> >
> > My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
> > made your horn louder."
> >
> > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
> >
> > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
> >
> > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
> >
> > Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
> >
> > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
> > the bread.
> >
> > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
> > many is research.
> >
> > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
> >
> > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
> >
> > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required
> > to be on it.
> >
> > Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
> > |
