The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,
they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on
his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
slipped into his
shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake
up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You're lying! You've
been
playing golf!".
********************************************
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He
went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her
a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
*********************************
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated,
he noticed the size of his manhood.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to
be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
private
bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh No!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
****************************************
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed
baby
oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I
tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at
the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
***************************************
The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.
The bartender replied, "Yes."
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "C! ould I have a
nice juicy
T-bone steak?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money.
A
whole
4 cents."
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his
business."
**************************************
The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lip
began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered .
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something
that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your
sister,
your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "just be quiet and let the
poison
work." |
