Kerry Names Sharpton’s Hair as Running Mate
Monday, March 22, 2004
Sen. John Kerry bucked the expectations of political pundits today by naming the Rev. Al Sharpton’s hair as his running mate for the 2004 Presidential Election.
“If I can’t be the second black president, then I’m happy to settle for being the first president with black hair,” said Kerry in front of throngs of firefighters, teachers, and other assorted bushwhackers.
Kerry vowed to shave his bizarre mane, which appears to either be a dead wombat that crawled onto his scalp and died, or the world’s poofiest brillo pad. He plans to debut Sharpton’s hair as his running mate at the Democratic National Convention later this year.
“It is John Kerry’s dream that all Americans will realize when they see John Kerry that John Kerry crosses all racial and cosmetological boundaries in our society,” said John Kerry.
Sharpton expressed some disappointment that Kerry opted to only choose his hair, rather than all of him, as his vice presidential candidate. “It makes sense, though. My hair beat me at the polls in New Hampshire and Texas. I can’t believe voters preferred a slicked bouffant more than snappy jokes about sending fake cowboys back to the ranch,” said the reverend.
Sharpton said he plans to contact friend and fellow activist Don King to help begin rebuilding his tremendous tress.
Kerry actually turned down the chance to have Rep. Dennis Kucinich’s ears as his running mate. “Sen. Kerry has the utmost respect for Dennis and what he represents,” said a Kerry ’04 spokesman. “But the last thing the senator needs when reaching out for moderate voters is to look like he’s on his way to Mount Doom so he can toss a magic ring back into the lava from whence it came.”
White House officials expressed concern over Al Sharpton’s hair as Kerry’s running mate. “There’s something very presidential about looking like an extra from OutKast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ video,” said one insider. “And with those locks in the back, Kerry might have found the most racially agreeable hockey-hair ever created.” “Plus,” the insider continued, “we’re at a disadvantage with Cheney on the ticket. He’s been a cueball for the last three decades, and the voters know it. Great hair matters more than the economy to the electorate. How do you think Franklin Pierce got in office?”
Kerry’s decision stunned other perspective vice presidential candidates. Sen. Bob Graham of Florida called the move “the polictics of follicles.” Rep. Dick Gephardt questioned whether union leaders would continue to support someone “who looks like he just stepped off the set of ‘Amen.’” Sen. John Edwards had no comment, except to say that he is the son of a millworker and that there are “two Americas.”
Since no political analyst in his right mind would comment on Kerry’s decision, stylist Kyan Douglas of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” was asked his thoughts.
“It think it’s important that John keeps doing whatever it is Al was doing with his hair. The proper application of product and heat is too important to flip-flop over,” said Douglas.
“Overall, I think it’s a fabulous pick for V.P. But what do I know? I’m voting for Kerry because I’ll be able to legally marry whomever I damn well please in any state, at any time. And, for a horse-faced wrinkle monster, he’s got a great little ass on him.” |
