Subject: Wisconsin Winter Wonderland
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow
plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and
closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What
a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not
to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll
never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night.
The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back
this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's
car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my
ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think
was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are
too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5
hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove,
but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had
another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More
shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but
they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think
they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired
to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed
up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of
the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l
broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of
the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in.
The idea of
shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot.
If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I
ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really
getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the
pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still
snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver
is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his
head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the
house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those
little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? |
