More Lawyer Jokes...
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He
protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49, and was far too young to
be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed,
you're 119 years old."
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A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin
containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said,
"In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll
have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was
appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and
the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a
check for $300.
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A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated
one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old
McKinney suit." "Settled it!?!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave
that to you as an annuity for life."
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A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin
this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has
paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has
paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair
trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
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A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped
in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are
horses' a*ses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch
what you say. You're in horse country."
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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what
he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I
bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the
flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how
do you start a flood?"
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Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney
charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was
a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's
mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one
of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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