>TALMUDIC LAWS FOR CHILDREN - anonymous
>
>Laws of Forbidden Places
>
>Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
>that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of
>the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in
>the living room.
>
>Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese,you may eat, but not in
>the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
>the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
>provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
>
>Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
>eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
>
>Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy cups, you
>may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
>Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
>any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if
>you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat
>in the living room.
>
>Laws When at Table
>
>And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
>person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
>raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
>abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
>your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
>
>Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
>fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will
>dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
>
>When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
>not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order
>to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away. When
>you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do
>not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to
>you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to
you.
>
>Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
>table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
>lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
>
>And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
>with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
>why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
>stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is
why.
>
>Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
>slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like
>that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
>said, it has come to pass.
>
>Laws Pertaining to Dessert
>
>For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
>saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
>
>But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of
>your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less
>than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you
>have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls
>eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
>
>But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still
>you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes
>uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
>
>And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
>fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall
>into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
>
>On Screaming
>
>Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
>plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
>each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
>offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not,
>only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the
>fault.
>
>Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
>seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
>to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though
>the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
>sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
>fingers to your nose. For I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I
>eat it myself, yet do not die.
>
>Concerning Face and Hands
>
>Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
>that I may more easily wash you off. For stains are upon you; even to the
>very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
>
>And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
>rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only
>hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my
>examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
>What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
>
>Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
>
>Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
>water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
>if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
>building; nor eat sand.
>
>Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
>it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand
>between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor
>forget what I said about the tape. |
