Pulled this off the net:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when
toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing
down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat;
the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a
giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily
link New York with Chicago.
Employment Issues:
EMPLOYER TALK
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still
live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll
go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some
time each weekend.
*** APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career. |
