Try these jokes-a bunch.
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate
with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
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Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says,"Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Because Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"
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This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls nounces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!"
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The old men in the nursing home were talking about the exciting times they had been through. One said his most memorable experience was when he was a fireman and the women's college dormitory had caught on fire and he had to catch scantily-clad co-eds jumping from windows.
The second man said he most exciting time was when he was a deputy sheriff and had a shoot-out with some of the John Dillinger gang.
The third man said his most exciting time was when he was an undertaker and was called to a hotel to pick up a deceased man. He said when he went into the room, he noticed the man on his back with a big erection and since he didn't want to take the man through the hotel lobby in that condition, he hit him hard on the erection with the base of a lamp. Then he paused in his story.
The first man asked, "What was so exciting about that?"
The third man replied, "I was in the wrong room."
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A man, sick of his nagging wife, was wandering the streets when he came upon a strange funeral procession. A man with a large dog on a leash was walking behind the hearse, and following silently behind him were hundreds of people, mostly men. The man, unable to contain his curiosity any longer,
approached the man with the dog and asked who had died. "My wife", the 2nd man replied. "She must have been popular to have so many mourners
. How did she die?" My dog bit her" the 2nd man said. The first guy suddenly had an idea. "I'II pay you 2 hundred dollars for that dog", he said to the mourning husband, hesitating slightly. "Get in line", came the reply, "the bidding starts right after the funeral........."
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The ages of Mankind....
The Ages of Woman:
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1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like
Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like
Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like
America,fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful,
and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like
Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody
knows it's down there but who gives a damn?
The Ages of Man:
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1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly
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A lady and a man are waiting in a docctors foyet when the lady suddenly sparks up a conversation. "Oh dear you like your in terrible pain, what happened to you?"
"I was in a huge crash on the highway and so I have to wear this neck brace and sling for a couple of months now."
"Ooooh how terrible."
The man asks: "Well whats wrong with you? You don't seem to have anything wrong."
The lady responds by raising up her dress a little to reveal her red knees. "See these?" she says "These come about from too much sex doggy style"
The man shocked at first replies: "Well you'll just have to go back to regular missionary style won't you."
The lady says:"I would but the dogs breath stinks too much."
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A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"
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Maybe y'all heard about the drunk staggering through the park and saw a young jogger doing push-ups as part of his warm-ups. The drunk stood there a moment then said, "Washmadder pal ? Lose your girl ?" |
