A man walks into an office.
Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: Fine. Well let's see who's free at the moment... Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. Why not try Mr. Barnhart in room 12?
Man: Thank you. He enters room 12.
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well... I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
Angry man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS COFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
Man: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
Angry Man: OH! Oh! I'm sorry, but this is abuse!
Man: Oh! Oh I see!
Angry man: Aha! You'll want room 12A, just along the corridor.
Man: Oh... So sorry...
Angry man: Not at all!
Man closes door on his way out
Angry man: (under his breath) stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man: (pause) I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
Man: When?
Other man: Just now.
Man: No you didn't!
Other man: Yes I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other man: I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other man: I'm telling you, I did!
Man: You didn't!
Other man: (breaking into the developing argument)
Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
Other man: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not!
Other man: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear; I most definitely told you!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other man: Oh yes I did!
Man: Oh no you didn't!
Other man: Oh yes I did!
Man/Other Man: (togther; very fast) Oh no you didn't!/ Oh yes I did!
Man: Look, this isn't an argument!
Other man: (pause) Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't! It's just contradiction!
Other man: No it isn't!
Man: It IS!
Other man: It is NOT!
Man: You just contradicted me!
Other man: No I didn't!
Man: You DID!
Other man: No no no!
Man: You did just then!
Other man: Nonsense!
Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (pause)
Other man: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! I came here for a good argument!
Other man: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an *argument*!
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Other man: Well! it CAN be!
Man: No it can't! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Other man: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Other man: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man: Yes, but that isn't just saying "no it isn't".
Other man: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Other man: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Other man: Yes it is!
Man: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
Other man: It is NOT!
Man: It is!
Other man: Not at all!
Man: It is!
>DING!< The Arguer (Other man) hits a bell on his desk and stops.
Other man: Thank you, that's it.
Man: (stunned) What?
Other man: That's it. Good morning.
Man: But I was just getting interested!
Other man: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!!
Other man: I'm afraid it was.
Man: (leading on) No it wasn't..... (pause)
Other man: (dirty look) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man: WHAT??
Other man: If you want me to go on arguing,
you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: But that was never five minutes just now!
(pause... the Other Man raises his eyebrows)
Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous!
Other man: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've PAID!
Man: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
Other man: Thank you.
Man: (clears throat) Well...
Other man: Well WHAT?
Man: That was never five minutes just now.
Other man: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man: Well I just paid!
Other man: No you didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other man: YOU didn't!
Man: I DID!!!
Other man: YOU didn't!
Man: (unable to talk straight he's so mad) I don't want to argue about that!
Other man: Well you didn't pay!
Man: Ah HAH!! Well if I didn't pay... why are you arguing???
Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Other man: (pause) No you haven't!
Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Other man: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
**** Monty Python Live at City Center
**** Transcribed by Malcolm Dickinson 4/3/86 |
