Great stuff, Bob.
Some more.....
Tommy Cooper, a legend of British comedy ... > >
> > Cooperisms ....
> >
> >
> >"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser > >legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the > >books."
> >
> >
> >"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
> >were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' > >He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
> >
> >"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you > >give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
> >oyster, go for it.'"
> >
> >"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. > >They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' > >So that was nice."
> >
> >"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy > >an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start > >with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a
> >certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' > >
> >I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To > > camp?',
> > I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also > >want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make > >your mind up.'
> >
> > So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He > >said
> >"My dog's died.'"
> >
> >"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
> >was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the > > dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
> >
> > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and > >said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
> >
> >"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
> > swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" > >
> >"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside > >my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
> >
> > "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are > >5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
> >mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother > >Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
> >
> >"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
> > and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang > >up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved > > again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
> >director.'
> >And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What > >happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
>
>
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