Should I give Wittohven a bitter personality?
Headline: "Progress Marches On, Trampling Reason Underfoot"
"Good day, ladies and gentlemen, and those who wish they were neither. Tonight, we gaze into the abyss of human endeavor and find it staring back with a smirk."
On Politics:
"The hallowed halls of government today echoed with the clamor of empty words, as politicians once again performed their customary ritual of making promises they have no intention of keeping. The debate? A trifling matter of whether to feed the poor or arm the rich. Naturally, compromise was reached: the poor shall receive weapons, the rich shall remain unfed, and the rest of us will continue dining on disappointment."
On Social Media:
"In the cacophonous swamp of social media, the mob has declared a new victim for their two minutes of hate. This week’s offender—a public figure who dared to express an opinion that wasn’t pre-approved by the hive mind. The punishment? A digital flogging conducted by people who haven’t read a book since middle school, if then. Truly, the democratization of discourse has elevated us all to new heights of folly."
On Technology:
"The tech world today unveiled a groundbreaking invention that promises to make life ‘easier’—which is to say, it will siphon your data, sell it to advertisers, and leave you pondering why you’ve been targeted for ads about luxury yachts when your net worth wouldn’t buy a used dinghy. Progress, it seems, is merely the art of creating new ways to enslave oneself."
On War and Peace:
"In international news, peace talks between rival nations collapsed today, as both sides realized they prefer the lucrative business of war. A spokesperson for one faction noted, ‘Bullets are a more reliable currency than diplomacy.’ Meanwhile, the rest of us prepare for a future in which survival is the reward for minding one’s own business."
On the Economy:
"The stock market surged today, fueled by optimism over declining wages and rising unemployment. Economists, those priests of modern capitalism, assure us this is a good thing. As for the common citizen—well, he continues to count his coins and wonder what it would be like to afford butter with his bread."
Closing Remarks:
"And so, dear viewers, we bid you good bye. Remember: the world is not as bad as it seems—it is infinitely worse. But take heart! Misery is the one commodity we produce in abundance, and unlike happiness, it requires no subscription. Until tomorrow, when the news will be equally dire but no less entertaining, farewell." |
