Here are the "Greatest Hits" from the funniest mailing list on the
net. Subscribe, if you haven't already! - Chip
====================
As part of our week-long celebration marking 500 Top 5 Lists,
today we present you with the best #1 list items out of those
500 lists, as voted on by the Top5 List contributors.
The Top 16 Number 1 Entries from Top 5 Lists
16> From July 3, 1996
The Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
"Furious George Delivers the Mail"
15> From August 29, 1997
The Number 1 Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...
"Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer
Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening
with man-dew."
14> From December 11, 1997
The Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
13> From May 8, 1996
The Number 1 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Idea...
CaCa Puffs
12> From July 25, 1996
The Number 1 Sign You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor...
Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for
"Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf."
11> From March 26, 1997
The Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-in...
Barbie Wan Kenobie's Malibu Deathstar
10> From July 22, 1996
The Number 1 Thing Our Moderator Did on His Birthday...
Sent himself flowers, took himself out to dinner, invited
himself up for a drink, and damn near got lucky.
9> From October 22, 1997
The Number 1 Sign the Umpire is Losing It...
After putting on mask, asks each batter, "Have the lambs
stopped crying, Clarise?"
8> From October 21, 1996
The Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your
Child's Party...
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
7> From July 12, 1996
The Number 1 Indication You Won't Win Olympic Gold...
Your competitor is referred to as "America's Sweetheart."
You're referred to as "That little slut from Trenton."
6> From May 23, 1996
The Number 1 Failed Celebrity Endorsement Idea...
The Stevie Wonderbra
5> From May 28, 1997
The Number 1 Pointless Commencement Address...
Ross Perot: "There Are Live Clams in My Shorts and It's
Scott Baio's Fault"
4> From December 6, 1996
The Number 1 Sign You Have Nothing to Do at Work ...
The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin
Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
3> From June 7, 1996
The Number 1 Sign the Romance Has Gone Out of Your Marriage...
Every morning is the same: Wake up, have your coffee, go
retrieve your penis from the front yard.
2> From August 7, 1996
The Number 1 Sign Your Mate is Cheating on You...
Amy Fisher shoots you in the head.
AND: The Number 1 Number 1 Entry from a Top 5 List...
1> From July 24, 1996
The Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
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[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
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