Final Doughboy Obit
Sorry forks, I couldn't resist making some more tweaks to the doughboy obituary. Here it is....
Pillsbury Doughboy Bites the Dust
All across the tables of America today, people are mourning the passing of veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh who died Fryday of a severe yeast infection. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid baker and tennis player.
Fresh was cremated in one of the most tasteful ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
His grave held a mixture of assorted flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, starring in Pillsbury commercials which served as his entre to stage and screen. He was toasted for his perfomance in Some Like it Hot. Critics praised his raw but smooth consistency as the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Despite his heated rise to fame, the doughboy quickly fell as his career cooled. Hollywood chewed him up and spit him out. Fresh's act turned stale as he hardened under the hot lights of television. His later performances were panned as flakey and overdone. He yearned to escape his greasy rolls in the tube. Even to Fresh, they seemed hard to swallow. He was eventually frozen out of the business and canned by Pillsbury.
His later life was filled with many turnovers. As one acquaintance tartly put it, "he could get bent out of shape by just a rise or fall in the temperature". Others said he was simply burned out. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He remained an important ingredient in fund raisers until a recent collapse flattened him. He once said his recipe for life was, "Don't get steamed. When things get too hot, simply turn off the heat".
Although he made a lot of bread, he was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- burned by those who buttered him up. After his attorneys sifted through his estate, it was obvious his fortune had crumbled.
Fresh is survived by "Cupcake", his beloved wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The ceremony was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. |
