A few good jokes...
Farm Yard Johnnie
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A primary school teacher decided to expand the horizons of her students. During the visit to a nearby farm, she challenged the children to raise their hands up if they knew the correct sound made by each animal.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Cindie willingly and politely raised her hand and said, "Moooo!" "Very good, Cindie," replied the teacher," and what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "And what sound does a pig make?"
All the children in the class raised their hands all at once! She was surprised at the response.
"Lil' Johnnie, go ahead and tell us the sound the pig makes," she encouraged.
He composed himself took a deep breath and bellowed, "Up against the wall and spread 'em, you little thief!!"
Car Trouble
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My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted. "OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake."
Forgive me Father
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There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $2000 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny,
we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until
Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later,
the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say
that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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There were 2 prawns, ralph and christian who were swimming along one day when they saw a shark glide by looking all ferocious and commanding.Ralph says to christian, wouldnt it be nice to be a shark, all that power, all the fear you create.
Christian is pretty unconvinced however. Later on when Chritian has gone home Ralph is sitting there with his feet up (well, tail at any rate) still mulling over his his idea, when he finally makes up his mind to go and see the All-powerfull Cod. Off he goes and finds Cod and tells him about his wish to be a shark. Cod obviously tries
to put him off by telling him what a lonely life it would be ,but no, Ralph is put off and so Cod does the biz and turns him into a
Shark. Ralph is dead grateful and swims off all happy. He has a whale of a time (sorry about the pun) scarring all the other creatures around him. Then he suddenly finds that some of these creatures make a really tasty snack, yum! One problem is, that after a few days of munching on his mates Ralph suddenly finds he has
very few frineds left, those he hasn't eaten just steer well clear of him. Well, a few more days go by and he is really fed up...no one to talk to, no one to play with, so off Ralph goes to see Cod again. Well, as you can imagine Cod is pretty pissed off with the whole thing...and says told you so, what do you EXPECT me to do about it,eh???
Well, after loads of persuasion Ralph finally gets Cod to reverse his spell. So, again, Ralph is all happy, but he still is a bit lonely as most of his friends are no more. But, joy of joys,after a few days he bumps in to his old friend Christian who just glides by with as much as a word...! So, Ralph chases after him and says hey, hey, its me Ralph. Well, his friend replies...I just dont believe you. Cod changed my friend Ralph into a Shark!
Ralph was a bit hurt that his old friend didn't recognise him and starts to plead with him:
No, no really its me! I'm a prawn again Christian!!!!!!!!!!
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Johnny's Little Red Fire Engine
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A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope
tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.
Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST
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Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of my hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could fucking shake a stick at ." |
