I'm not saying she was ugly, but...
When she went camping, the bears built a fire to keep her away.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 90yr old man marries a 19 yr.old girl. They have a lovely wedding;
although his parents couldn't go to the wedding......
They jet off to the Seychelles for the honeymoon, spend the day on the
Beach, sun bathing, scuba diving, para-gliding.
After partying in the disco till 2 AM; they wander back to their room; she being 19 & VERY eager, bounds up the stairs 3 at a time; runs straight to the bathroom; tearing off her clothes for a quick shower; whilst he is still negotiating the stairs.
By the time he makes it to the bedroom, she is showered, perfumed & dressed in a short black negligee.
"Ahh, my dear" he says; "I won't be long, I just need to go & freshen up". The old man goes into the bathroom to "get ready" & after a half hour he comes back out wearing ear plugs...nose plugs...& carrying a condom.
"What is that for"? the girl asks.
" There are 2 things I can't stand" replies the man, "the smell of burning
rubber; & the sound of a woman screaming."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These three women were sitting around one night talking about their
boy friends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.
The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had one parrot on display that was listed for $3,000.00.
"$3,000 for a lousy parrot? What makes this bird so special?"
"Well," the owner says, "this parrot gives the best blowjobs in the world."
Yeah, right," the customer replies. "You can take her home for a test tonight if you want," says the storeowner. "Just leave a $300 deposit. If you bring her back and don't want to keep her, I'll give you your money back. If you decide to keep her, I'll put the
$300 towards the purchase price."
So the guy takes the parrot home for a test run and about 6:30, when his wife comes home, she walks into the kitchen only to find food, pots, pans, glasses and utensils all over the place. The worst mess she has ever seen. Her husband is waiting for her in the kitchen with the parrot. He has that dreamy look in his eyes that he always has after great sex.
"If I can teach this bird to cook, you're outta here," says the man to his wife.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lone hiker up in the Highlands of Scotland spotted an isolated pub,
already tasting the beer on his tongue he went in. After getting his
refreshment he sat down next to a quiet chap in the corner.
Suddenly the man began talking, as if to himself.... "Do you see that bar, I built that myself. The sweat off my brow, and ache of my muscles, but there it stands. People taking their drinks from it. Do they call me Bob-the-bar-builder, no they do not."
He paused, then went on.
"See that house, I built that on my own, with no machinery or tools. Years of work it took, and the people who live in it are very happy. Do they call me Bob-the-house-builder, no they don't."
Pointing out of the window " Can you see that pier, that juts out into the
angry sea. Well I built that too, a life times work with no boat, cutting
and collecting wood from the forest. People enjoy a walk down it, some fresh sea air in their lungs. But do they call me Bob-the-pier-builder, no."
He checks over his shoulder, and in a hushed voice "But you shag one
sheep...."
|
