Top 83 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
[1] You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
[2] You grip the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
[3] The job is interfering with your drinking.
[4] Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
[5] Your career isn't progressing beyond that of Senator from Massachusetts.
[6] The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
[7] You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
[8] 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
[9] Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
[10] "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
[11] When you can focus better with one eye closed.
[12] The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
[13] Every woman you see has an exact twin.
[14] You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine. It's enough to drive you to drink.
[15] You keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
[16] You fall off the floor.
[17] You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
[18] Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
[19] Had "Spuds Mackenzie" tattoo removed and replaced with "Red Dog."
[20] Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger? The hell with dinner!
[21] Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
[22] The glass keeps missing your mouth.
[23] Bill Clinton starts to make sense!
[24] When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
[25] Vampires get woozy after biting you.
[26] The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
[27] At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
[28] Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
[29] When vomiting becomes a relief.
[30] Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk - left, right, stumble, fall
[31] You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
[32] Barney the Dinosaur is becoming very funny!
[33] You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
[34] Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
[35] Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
[36] Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
[37] No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
[38] Problem? I Drink, get drunk, fall down....NO Problem!
[39] On a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
[40] Take me drunk, I'm home!
[41] The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
[42] You find yourself as Captain of the Exxon Valdez.
[43] You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
[44] Roseanne looks pretty good.
[45] Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
[46] You drink to get over a hangover.
[47] That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
[48] You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
[49] The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
[50] Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
[51] Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
[52] I'm as jober as a sudge!
[53] You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
[54] I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
[55] Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
[56] Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
[57] You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
[58] Your name is Ted Kennedy.
[59] You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is a Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
[60] Red Dog upside down looks like Batman eating a catwoman.
[61] You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
[62] You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
[63] When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
[64] BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
[65] Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
[66] The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
[67] Do you <your name> take this woman.....?
[68] You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
[69] You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
[70] You suddenly realize that the rat tail is real!
[71] Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
[72] When your listening to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
[73] Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
[74] salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates, .. - and yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
[75] Your favorite drink is ethanol.
[76] Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!
[77] You can't remember what your family looks like... or even if you have a family.
[78] You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
[79] You like SPAM.
[80] You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
[81] Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
[82] I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. <hic> Pash me another, tarbender.
[83] You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. |
