Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The
bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says,
"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One
says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are
you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
====================
> SUPERMAN'S NIGHT ON THE TOWN
> ============================
> Superman was bored one night so he decided that he'd get together
with
> some of his buddies and go out for a beer.
>
> He flew over to the Batcave and asked Batman. Batman said: "No, I
> can't go out tonight. I've got repairs I have to make on the
> Batmobile. Maybe next time."
>
> So Superman flew over to Spiderman's place and asked him if he
wanted
> to go out for a beer. Spiderman said: "No, not tonight. My web
> shooter is malfunctioning so I think I ought to fix it."
>
> Dejected, Superman went to visit The Green Lantern. The Green
Lantern
> couldn't go out for a beer either. His lantern was recharging and
he
> couldn't go out without his lantern to power up his rings.
>
> So Superman went flying around a little more. He passed by Wonder
> Woman's loft, and there she was laying down on the bed stark naked.
> Superman thought: "Well, she probably won't want to go for a beer,
but
> with my super speed, I could probably fly down there get some pussy
> real fast and be on my way."
>
> So he zipped into Wonder Woman's loft,--boom boom boom--, he took
care
> of matters and flew off.
>
> Wonder Woman says out loud: "What was that?" at which point the
> Invisible Man says: "I don't know, but my butt sure hurts!"
====================
> ANGRY WIFE
> ==========
> A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was horrified to find
her
> husband in bed naked with a lovely young thing. Just as she was
about
> to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these
words:
> "Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came
about."
>
> The wife stopped to listen. He continued: "I was driving along
the
> highway and I saw this young girl looking very tired and
bedraggled,
> so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her
home
> and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like. She only had
some
> very worn sandals, so gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded
> simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her
> the sweater I bought you for your
> birthday, the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit
you.
> Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were
> perfectly good but much too small for you now."
>
> The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this but still
needed
> just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she
> said,
> "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"
>
> The husband replied: "Well, that's simple..see, as she was about
to
> leave the house, she turned to me and asked: "Is there anything
else
> that your wife doesn't use anymore??"
====================
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when
the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker
and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did
their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi
driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
====================
>> 1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
>> Because it's never used.
>>
>> 2. Why are men so happy?
>> Because ignorance is bliss.
>>
>> 3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
>> Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already
>> there.
>>
>> 4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time,
>> who would reach the ground first?
>> The woman--the man would get lost.
>>
>> 5. How are men like commercials?
>> You can't believe a word either one of them says and they
both
>> last about 60 seconds.
>>
>> 6. How do men exercise at the beach?
>> By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in
a
>> bikini.
>>
>> 7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
>> Gifted.
>>
>> 8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
>> Bonds Mature.
>>
>> 9. What did God say after creating man?
>> I can do better.
>>
>> 10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
>> 1. No mind.
>> 2. No business.
>>
>> 11. What do you call an intelligent man in Australia?
>> A tourist.
>>
>> 12. If men got pregnant ....
>> Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be
>> available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
>>
>> 13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
>> He had it bronzed.
>>
>> 14. What is gross stupidity?
>> 144 men in one room.
>>
>> 15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
>> Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and
>> shake the stove.
>>
>> 16. How do men sort their laundry?
>> "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
>>
>> 17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.
>>
>> 18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
>> Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great
>> chili,Babe!"
>>
>> 19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35
>> think of?
>> Dating children.
>>
>> 20. What should you give a man who has everything?
>> A woman to show him how to work it.
>>
>> 21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
>> Why not.
>>
>> 22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
>> They stay stuck in adolescence.
>>
>> 23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
>> He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
>>
>> 24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
>> At the circus the clowns don't talk.
>>
>> 25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
>> intention of driving.
>>
>> 26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
>> Exchange him.
>>
>> 27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
>> Opposites attract.
>>
>> 28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
>> They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work
>> half the time.
>>
>> 29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>>
>> 30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
>> What Men Know About Women
>>
>> 31. How do you get a man to exercise?
>> Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
>>
>> 32. What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
>> E.T. phoned home.
>>
>> 33. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
>> So men can understand them.
>>
>> 34. What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
>> Gifted.
>>
>> 35. What's a mans idea of foreplay?
>> A half hour of begging.
>>
>> 36. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
>> We don't know. It's never happened.
>>
>> 37. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a U.F.O.?
>> I don't know, I've never seen either one.
>>
>> 38. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
>> One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
>>
>> 39. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
>> To keep them from grazing.
>>
>> 40. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
>> Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for
directions. |
