Although it is not the '99 Flagship product, it may be the most profitable one:
Microsoft Panhandling
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new
product for Windows 98: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a
golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any
initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my
competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor
and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader
Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with
Windows 98. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the
user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough
money to get a hot meal.
("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller,
"since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler
doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case
a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred
from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also
respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to
have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy,
which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squegee Guy ships, Windows 98 will no longer automatically refresh
your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison.
"I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you
for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for
money."
Gates responded with, "I know you are, but what am I?" General
pandemonium then ensued.
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