Women's Compact Instruction Booklet (off. to men)
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the
house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all
there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out
alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance
or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is
unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too
old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay
the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even
bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just
practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look
familiar."
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The Writing on the Walls
Beauty is only a light switch away.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick
and tired of putting up with her shit.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
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A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment
over looking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an
old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the
wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every
day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying?
for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years.In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood
of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day
for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall."
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