1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live
with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.
So...check
three friends, If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in
rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget
where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a
warning to others.
14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on
society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where
you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement: A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
20. The last person standing is the designated driver.
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Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She
immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret.
There's been a terrible mistake!"
She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.
The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter and called him back.
"Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.
"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!"
"Of course, Sister," he said "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he
received another phone call from hell.
He picked up the receiver and heard,
"Hey, Pete, this is Maggie................... Never Mind !!
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and
> listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in
> the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of
> you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because
> this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting
> on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving".
> The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't
> use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for
> two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as
> long as you use proper language."
> Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when
> her son comes out of his room and resumes playing with his
> trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who
> are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
> your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
> your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you
> to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your
> trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two
> hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
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