Bob Smith had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty
years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and
make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"
He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went
down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked
for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.
Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you
know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we
couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild
passionate love like we did when we were young."
He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped
up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of
condoms.
Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big
smile on her face.
"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are
all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the
world."
"I'll be right back," he said.
Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy
counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Bob sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.
The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Smith you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, " WHY DO YOU KEEP FUCKING HER" !
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two
female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet
so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began
hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I
guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her
hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do
random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who
was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and
waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer, "Your
sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one?"
The farmer thought it would be impossible and told the blonde, "Yes."
"637," said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number,
so he lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there," said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the real
color of your hair, can I have my dog back???"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Putdowns -------Warning some are a little straight forward
Save your breath for your inflatable girlfriend.
My vibrator is bigger than that, and it has a higher IQ too.
My oh my you could fuck a hampster with that dick!
I never knew they measured dicks in the negative integers.
Is that your dick... or have you jammed your finger up your ass?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
You possess an intellect rivaled only by garden tools
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
YOU are walking advertisement for a state-sponsored sterility
Program
I can see that you are flirting with intelligence but getting the
Cold shoulder in return.
Is your "masturbator's-elbow" making it difficult to type?
I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you-it's against my
Morals to attack an unarmed person.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
I'll bet you couldn't count your balls and get the same answer
twice.
If sex appeal were dynamite, you couldn't blow the cobwebs off your
Own balls.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little
Prozac and a polo mallet.
Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are
Empty anyway.
I already have one asshole in my pants, I don't need two.
Act your age, not your dick size!
It's not you, it's me-I think you are a jerk.
I'm sorry honey, I just don't have the energy to fake it tonight.
I heard you the first time, I was just ignoring you.
If you're looking for sympathy, you can find it in the Dictionary
Between shit and syphillis.
You must be a LOT better in bed than you look.
I'm not going to act submissive so that some fuckwit like YOU can
get a hard-on.
Being a Bitch gives me more satisfaction than you do, honey.
You can't possibly be THAT Fucking stupid.
Don't flatter yourself. Dogshit looks better.
Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or an hereditary one?
Yeah, I'd love to fuck your brains out, but apparently someone
BEAT ME TO IT!!!"
The dweeb says: "Hey come and sit on my face"
Her response: "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"? |
