A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club
way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's
breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds.
straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news,
and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and
swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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Husband: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
Wife "Because you're never home when it happens."
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Mother Theresa is strolling around heaven, when Saint Peter approaches
her. "Mother Theresa, you were such a saint on earth, we've decided you
can have a bigger halo than the norm. In fact, you can have the biggest
halo in all of heaven, if you want."
She thinks about it, then says, "Okay... give-a me the biggest halo in-a
heaven." And instantly, a beautiful new huge halo appears over her head.
Just then Princess Di walks by. "Hey... says the blessed Mother,"What's
this? That-a lady there has a bigger halo than-a me!?"
"Oh no," says Saint Peter, "That's not a halo... that's a steering wheel."
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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear
whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few
minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the
same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set,
and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without
equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and
wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
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Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are,the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dicks a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says..
."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw
and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!!! |
