==============================
Renewed Expressions
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when you come at them rapidly.
8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is
destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of
many species.
10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about
yourself that leads to sex.
11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies
dwell without funding.
12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.
13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who
come to visit.
15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and
prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
==============================
> > Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".
> >
> > A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a
> > hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East
> > Economic Review.....
> >
> > Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
> >
> > Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
> >
> > RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
> >
> > Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
> >
> > RS: "Ow July den?"
> >
> > G: "What??"
> >
> > RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
> >
> > G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
> >
> > RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
> >
> > G: "Crisp will be fine"
> >
> > RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
> >
> > G:"What?"
> >
> > RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
> >
> > G: "I don't think so"
> >
> > RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
> >
> > G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
> >
> > RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
> > mopping we bother?"
> >
> > G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
> > Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
> >
> > RS:"We bother?"
> >
> > G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
> >
> > RS: "Wad?"
> >
> > G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
> >
> > RS: "Copy?"
> >
> > G: "Sorry?"
> >
> > RS:"Copy...tea...mill?"
> >
> > G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
> >
> > RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
> > baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
> > and copy....rye??"
> >
> > G: "Whatever you say"
> >
> > RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
> >
> > G : "You're welcome"
==============================
==============================
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping
across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the
label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." |
