What Slick should have said.....
Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her. I
banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because
if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in
my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes
in DC I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright,
and Shalala, mostly because they are a little older than I like
and they have legs any professional football player would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not
for the ice water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas
into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to
the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the
draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property,
set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel
staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like
an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval
Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago there was not a man, woman or child who did not
know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway,
which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other
choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident
of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb
his way into the White House. Before him it was Reagan, who
left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There
was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way
ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad, war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents
of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming
the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a
one-gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care
about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon
can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market has
been higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and
anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell
'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of their boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with
my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a
date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with
thin ankles, and then I would like to discuss it. In the
meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking
the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, and God bless America. |
