Age and Womanhood
1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still
has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who
gives a damn.
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A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to
do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug
called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her
husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what
happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the
pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the
therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but
to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her
husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't
know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle
could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and
put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A month later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are
you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's in a coma, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's
sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
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A blonde goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries.
A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know
what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
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Two blondes purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try.
After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him
up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a
bitch!"
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: Clinton's Address
THE WHITEHOUSE --
"Today we struck back", said Bill Clinton, perjurer-
adulterer of the United States of America after having announced attacks
on seven targets in Washington DC. "We have convincing prove that
Kenneth bin Laden is behind the recent attacks", said the President,
referring to recent Grand Jury hearings. The President assured that these
strikes were not retaliatory but "to prevent Kenneth bin Laden and his
Office of Islamic Counsel from carrying out threats". One target struck in
Washington DC is claimed to be a chemical weapons factory, though OIC
officials identify it as a "courthouse". Clinton is said to have decided for
these attacks after intelligence indicated he might be recalled to the
"Grand Inquisition of the Office of Islamic Counsel" as the Pentagon
qualified recent hearing.
In response to "Wag the Dog"-allegations, the President retorted: "Wag the
Dog, hey, that Monica piece of tail can wag *my* dog all she wants!"
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Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having
to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty years.
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.
He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the
dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing),
and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he
recommended.
He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."
I said, "Not to us city boys!"
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