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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke
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To: dougb 1 who wrote (7578)11/2/1998 4:58:00 PM
From: Tomato  Read Replies (2) of 62551
 
> >GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
> >God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
> >better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
> >following questions.
> >Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
> >confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless
> >you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
> >1. How did you find out about your Deity?
> > ___ Newspaper
> > ___ Bible
> > ___ Torah
> > ___ Book of Mormon
> > ___ Koran
> > ___ Divine inspiration
> > ___ Dead Sea Scrolls
> > ___ My mama told me
> > ___ Near-death experience
> > ___ Near-life experience
> > ___ National Public Radio
> > ___ Tabloid
> > ___ Burning shrubbery
> > ___ Other (specify): _____________
> >
> >2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
> > ___ Yahweh
> > ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
> > ___ Jehovah
> > ___ Jesus
> > ___ Krishna
> > ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
> > ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
> > ___ Allah
> > ___ Satan
> > ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
> > ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
> > ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
> > ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
> >3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
> >order
> >and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
> > ___ Yes
> > ___ No
> >
> > If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
> >Please indicate all that apply:
> > ___ Not eternal
> > ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
> > ___ Not omniscient
> > ___ Not omnipotent
> > ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
> >creations)
> > ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
> > ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
> > ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
> > ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
> > ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
> > ___ Requires burnt offerings
> > ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
> > ___ Plays dice with the universe
> >
> >4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
> > Please check all that apply.
> > ___ Indoctrinated by parents
> > ___ Needed a reason to live
> > ___ Indoctrinated by society
> > ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
> > ___ Imaginary friend grew up
> > ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
> > ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
> > ___ Hate to think for myself
> > ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
> > ___ Fear of death
> > ___ Wanted to piss off parents
> > ___ Needed a day away from work
> > ___ Desperate need for certainty
> > ___ Like organ music
> > ___ Need to feel morally superior
> > ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
> > ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
> >
> >5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
> >you
> >fooled by? Please check all that apply.
> > ___ Mick Jagger
> > ___ Rajanish
> > ___ Baal
> > ___ The almighty dollar
> > ___ Bill Gates
> > ___ Left-wing liberalism
> > ___ The radical right
> > ___ Ra
> > ___ Beelzebub
> > ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
> > ___ The Great Spirit
> > ___ The Great Pumpkin
> > ___ The sun
> > ___ Elvis
> > ___ Cindy Crawford
> > ___ The moon
> > ___ TV news
> > ___ Burning shrubbery
> > ___ Other: ________________
> >
> >
> >6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
> >God? Please check all that apply.
> > ___ Tarot
> > ___ Lottery
> > ___ Astrology
> > ___ Television
> > ___ Fortune cookies
> > ___ Ann Landers
> > ___ Psychic Friends Network
> > ___ Dianetics
> > ___ Palmistry
> > ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> > ___ Self-help books
> > ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
> > ___ Biorhythms
> > ___ Alcohol
> > ___ Bill Clinton
> > ___ Tea leaves
> > ___ EST
> > ___ CompuServe
> > ___ Mantras
> > ___ Jimmy Swaggert
> > ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
> > ___ Human sacrifice
> > ___ Pyramids
> > ___ Wandering in a desert
> > ___ Burning shrubbery
> > ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
> > ___ Barney Fife
> > ___ Other:___________
> >
> >7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
> >balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
> >(circle one)?
> >
> > a. More divine intervention
> > b. Less divine intervention
> > c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
> > d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
> >
> >8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
> >miracles.
> >Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following
> >(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
> >
> > Disasters:
> > 1 2 3 4 5 flood
> > 1 2 3 4 5 famine
> > 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
> > 1 2 3 4 5 war
> > 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
> > 1 2 3 4 5 plague
> > 1 2 3 4 5 spam
> > 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
> >
> > Miracles:
> > 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
> > 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
> > 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
> > 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
> > 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
> > 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
> > 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
> > 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
> > 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
> >
> >9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
> >quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
> >
> > **********************************************
> >
> >If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
> >conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in
> >the
> >One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
> >approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of
> >beings entered).
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