A guy comes home ecstatic one day and tells his wife, "Baby, pack your
bags! I just won the LOTTERY!!!"
The wife is overjoyed and says, "That's wonderful! What should I pack,
clothes for the beach? Clothes for skiing?"
The guy says, "I don't care, just get the HELL OUT!"
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri,doc."
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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the
jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The
dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six
months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I
can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put
some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I
now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well,"
says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with
lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper
plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks
the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that
there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
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An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee
made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a
boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of
antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the
chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story
teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.
The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many
tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the
third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides." |
