Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one
night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The
following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of
extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
====================================================================
"Faith And Sports"
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks
at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating,
"That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll
have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue.
I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course."
=============================================================
When You've Lost Your Cool
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:
- You find yourself listening to talk radio.
- You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
- The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
- You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
- Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
- You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new
sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
- You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing
music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
- You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing
beer and joining them.
- You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to
work the next day.
- When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
- When jogging is something you do to your memory.
- Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
Sex becomes "all that foolishness."
- Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
- All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation.
- You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
- You actually ASK for your father's advice.
- You don't know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.
- When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
=====================================================================
The Pretzel Hold
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he
has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he
does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other
several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't
watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly
collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"So!" the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off did it?"
"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
balls!"
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